whats a shanasty?

care.less

2010-12-28T23:22:00.002-05:00

i am "djing"
which really means i'm standing in the dj booth looking online and thinking about life.
i have few of these nights left. here at bar 13 in union square in new york city on a tuesday night.
am i to cherish these moments...
but are these not the moments i'll remember in my last days?
or maybe i'll remember the characters i've come across.
recently i've come to know a young man across the street at 'little italy pizza'.
its a relatively new spot - relative to the 5 or so years i've been at bar 13 every tuesday.
i think it used to be a bagel place but was never open late.
for the past two or six months (never can tell) i've been going there after "work" to get a slice of pizza...this has contradicted my daily exercise and healthy food routine.
the young man behind the counter is always friendly. bright blue eyes and a great smile. he is very inviting and considerate and genuinely wants to know how i am and how my "work" was. i am always polite and increasingly friendly as i've come to know him.
although he is a new friend, i recognize that he will not be a friend for long.
and that enables me to recognize the many people i've met in this life.
this new york city life.

so to you, young man that works across the street who i'll likely visit in 2 hours this very evening, i wish you a beautiful healthy life - one filled with joy, adventure, knowledge, love, excitement and accomplishment. i wish that you - when the time has come - will lay back and be content and grateful for all that you've seen in this world.
for these wishes i pray for you, i hope for myself as well, and for all those i love and who have touched me in my life.

bringin it in, two thousand elev...in

2010-11-02T22:50:00.002-04:00

Major decisions spark drastic change and innovation.

The end of *snapshot* is near...so very near in fact I can smell a Tuesday night without the obligation of being at a club.

My thirty first...o shit did I just say that...ahem, my thirty first birthday was last week.
I decided to close *snapshot*, to move out of my apartment and to re-organize my focus.

damn.

Time Capsule

2010-08-20T02:18:00.004-04:00

I often think about taking this blog down.
Its not much of a "blog" as blogs have come to be known.
When it first began, my friend Jodi was writing about her daily life and it was something fun to do at work. After I read the Post from cover to cover, had my coffee and breakfast, taken down all of the messages from the night before, I'd read her blog. It was then that I decided to start writing my own.
I never intended much of it. I simply wanted to chronicle my life using words on a page - a page that I could access just about anywhere and that my friends and those who might be mentioned in the pages could access.
Times have changed.
It is over six years since I began this project.
I am thirty years old.
When I began, I had not yet begun law school.
I was working as a receptionist at an audio post production house in Flatiron.
I was living in a very small apartment in the east village.
I had not yet started the weekly queer party that was soon to consume the next six years of my life.
Both of my grandparents were still alive.
I was dating a child and did not know or think to know better.
George Bush was president.
The train was $2.00.

What sticks out most in my mind is what I recall of my eager outlook on the world.
It was truly as if I could do or be anything I wanted, and I honestly believed it would happen.

I was young, ambitious, effortlessly creative and eager to begin my journey.

-----

I will not remove the blog today, but one day I will.
And like most things in my life, it will simply be a thing of my past.
Something that has helped me grow, has acted as an outlet, and has supported who I was at that period.
And though I am feeling quite nostalgic at this moment, I'm sure the next thing I move on to will satisfy that part of me just as well if not better.

crisp

2009-12-18T12:01:00.003-05:00

whether its the weather
sharpening the air I breath
or the shorter days pressuring my needs

I feel myself, separate and apart from anything
separate and apart from anyone
and totally intertwined with what I want done

The goals seem closer
The life, fuller

The movements seem swifter
The thoughts, no filter

and on to the next
choose your own adventure
new chapter, new book

Turn the page

2009-11-23T13:47:00.003-05:00

Some fruit turns sour
if not picked when ripe

Some boats set sail
in the middle of the night

Some opportunities
disappear out of sight

We are bound by our decisions
whether wrong or right

...

But now,
After breaths deep have been exhaled
After hair pulled has been discarded
After options reviewed and fantasies shattered,
Only now can we turn the page.
Turn to the future, the reality of what can be...and as a result, will be.

Each day we move closer to who we are, sit more comfortably in our skin, walk upright with dedication to the pull of certainty.

reeling

2009-11-05T22:50:00.002-05:00

I said goodbye, again
Again and again and again...so it has been

But what I wanted to tell you, the words that came out of my mouth, were truths, honest reflections of my growth. Maybe it wasn't enough.

Because, apparently, I just sit there while you do all the talking.
So maybe this time it was my turn to open up, to express. I'm sure I fell short,
Again.

I guess I always do, fall short that is. Fall short of making you happy, fall short of giving you what you want or what you need. Which is why I had to turn away.

Can't you see? I knew all the wrong I was doing. I recognized it. I hesitated leaving because I was selfish, because I wanted you all to myself...like squeezing a puppy till you hurt it knowing you might be hurting it, but being overcome with excitement and the urge to squeeze...I hurt you.

And now I think you'll resent me for everything. But that doesnt hurt as much as knowing that I hurt you.

If you must, please...resent me. If it makes you whole, if resentment or regret helps heal you, I accept it with all that I am.

And its enough already, I know that as well. Enough going back and forth. For both of us.

So, here is the big test. Not whether I can recognize that I'm hurting you and leave, not whether I can try to make anything up to you or prove that I actually have cared from the beginning, but the test is whether I can truly respect your wishes. Whether I can let you go. Let you be...dont call you, dont text you, dont think about you, somehow block you from my dreams, erase your face from my memory when I hear a song that reminds me of you, not run into you, and throughout, respecting your space and your growth.

That would make me feel better about myself because I'd finally be putting you first. That might, somehow, redeem the pain you've suffered at my hands.

Colorado Holorado

2009-02-22T11:36:00.004-05:00

The trip began in a frenzy.

Court in the morning, rushing all day,
I was trying to beat the clock.

Little did I know that it was out of my hands
and the clock, it almost beat me.

Sitting in a cab, checking the time,
traffic at rush hour on the BQE.

Asking the cabby what he thought, then he laughed,
should have left early.

Rush through the door bag in hand, beg the lady at the counter to let me in,
she says "no worries love, you've got plenty of time, its those folks in denver that are on their grind".

Plenty of time was right, as she said, I sat and ate food while the plane was prepared.

Passed out cold upon take off, though I still had plenty to do.

Awoke sometime later, with more work on my mind
next thing I knew we were descending right on time.

Met up with the fam, quite a feet to get together,
Tara, Alex, Nate and Sam, the Perez fam kickin it cold like the weather.

2 hour shuttle, McDonalds and some smokes, back to the grind on the ride.
Arrive at the condo, Dino in sleep duds, convo's and beer, then back to the grind.

I was up till 4am, thats 6am NYC time.
Work work work work work work work. Passed out for a couple of hours.

Jumped on the lift scared at first, thought I'd fall and hit my face,
Landed it smooth felt a surge of confidence, i was ready for the day.

At first we stayed as a group and rode, slowing and waiting for the crew
then it soon became apparent that my 7 year absence had really not affected my flow.

The next day we rode, Alex me and Gabe and shredded the whole mountain wide
Not stopping for a break, think we did Christmas in 4 minutes, holy shit did we ride.

Dinner and drinks and memories for days...these trips mean so much more
so much more than a bougie condo and a fancy ski resort,
so much more than a few days away from work and the daily,
so much more than a get together with some family members you dont always see,
truly, really, these are the moments that make us, the moments that form our foundations, mold our beliefs and experiences, create the person we are at that moment.

These are the moments that matter.

sitting in the 'lac

2009-02-10T03:14:00.003-05:00

another day another dolla
but it...makes me wanna holla

still i find a new way
open the shades to a sunglasses day

drinking beers with you
takes me back to memories i have few

its all about me tho
cuz i cant see through this tinted window

the unknown is deeply blinding
dont really wonder who's pulling the string

more social is as social does
more things get done without the was

tiptoe splashes puddles abound
slightly less scared when you're around

eager and anxious reappearing often
wiser and blatant my perception softens

to write is to heal and expand and advance
to think is to leave most everything to chance

sidways steps and backward alleys
kissing behind dumpsters and 7pm rallys

this is the year I turn 30.

choking

2009-01-23T13:02:00.002-05:00

do you ever get emotional to the point where you choke back your tears in an effort to maintain calm because if you let it out you might just break into a billion little pieces?

how can a word, an image, a sound, bring forth such intensity and passion so as to stand every hair on the back of your neck straight up, or cause a tingle on the tip of your tongue, or create a warmth deep in your belly?

When was the last time you TRULY believed.

In anything?

Thank you Mr. President.

birth

2008-10-21T12:26:00.002-04:00

as the day grows nearer
i wish to regress

back to the days i first fell in love so deep i drowned in it

when i was first excited about a graduate education and the possibilities of a future

when i was so careless my creativity sprung like leaks from a punctured hose

when i was free to move about the country and the world as if i had no anchor

when i dug deep and found out who i truly was amidst the confusion and growing up

when i experienced so many things for the first time

when i grew to make decisions on my own

when i was john

when i was nurtured and looked after

when i was the joy and happiness brought to a loving family

when i was in the womb, so warm and comforting

--

alas, these days move forward, often seemingly at the speed of light.
as i try to hold on, fingers tightly gripping the safety bars, i see only the things that truly matter.
I see that the fun times and the excitement and the "living" i once yearned for so bad, all these things are not what they seem. and all these things are nothing in light of the brightness that emanates from the true value of life and love.

family, compassion, generosity, love, comfort, trust.

as time seems to win the race against me, these are what i hold on to. these are what make me whole

without them, i am empty.

Drowning

2008-10-21T12:12:00.002-04:00

What can i say
what can i do
is there any way
to get close to you

its cold outside
where you stay
but my heart
is not far away

i take a look
into your soul
as i walk around these streets of yours

im drowning.

day 1

2008-09-02T15:00:00.003-04:00

its interesting that we, as a people who are controlled by our climate and surroundings, are triggered to feel certain things at different times of the year. Part of it is social - for example craving hot cocoa and turkey with cranberry when it starts to get cold. But some of it is our climate and weather change. so we're forced to recognize the end of summer after Labor Day and I hate it, officially.
Hate with a capital "H".

My life was supposed to get organized today. So here we go...day 1.

Blue

2008-08-25T14:44:00.002-04:00

I'm blue
Da ba dee
Da ba doo
Da ba dee
Da ba doo
Da ba dee
Da ba doo.

Conveniently, the sky is grey....so we kinda match.

But I went camping this weekend and it was beautiful and sunny out. The sun was shining the whole way down the river while Butt Buddy and Bomber and I drank and smoked our way to the end of the river course...no rapids.

jackhammer

2008-08-14T16:13:00.002-04:00

Why does work have to suck so bad?

Salsa dancing in Newport News Virginia.

Eating fresh coconut from a tree in Cockpit Country Jamaica.

Taking pictures on the beach in San Diego California.

Writing letters by the Charles river in Boston, Massachusetts.

Climbing cliffs in Riomaggiore - Cinque Terre, Italy.

Playing acoustic guitar in the woods at Michigan Womyns Festival, Michigan.

Climbing the stairs up the Eiffel Tower in Paris, France.

Sitting in my cubicle in New York, New York.

motion - e

2008-07-14T21:15:00.002-04:00

today was gloomy.
I awoke to the sound of rain on my window and emptiness in my soul.
I knew there were tasks ahead of me and I wanted nothing to do with them.

and I rode my bike.
uphill.
and the uphill seemed to last for miles. much longer than I was prepared for. so much uphill that Im not sure I reached a top, if there were ever a top.

because, this is not about you, this is about me. and for me, its not about you, its about me.

so why can't I stop thinking of you. is there anything left in me?

supposedly the inspiration will come, the words will flow out of my mouth like vomit after too much Jameson's.

Until then I clean, and keep busy, and think of ways to be inspired.

What do I like to do? Where do I like to go?

Why do I feel so fucking privileged - whining when I truly have it all. So much more than so many others. Im so sick of feeling sorry for myself. But I feel so lost its all I can muster to feel.

Independence Day

2008-07-04T18:23:00.004-04:00

Figures.
Im trying to decipher if this is independence from a life I've become accustomed to living, or if its regaining dependence on myself...because I've been independent from who I really am?

Or is that what they're trying to brainwash me to think?
Why do emotions have so much to say...and why do they have such a strong grip on our impressions of reality?

Its true though, nothing comes out clear anymore. The melodies don't seep from my brain onto paper or into a song. I sometimes feel as though I can glance down a long tube, or even a well, and deep in it is me. Far far from the body and daily tasks and "life" that keeps the other parts of me busy.

It was strange, and I could almost feel it coming on. Like a dark grey storm cloud, but you're inside watching a movie so you dont really care. But after its been raining for months, you start to wonder.

It began with those feelings like I was in quicksand. Like I'd try to get up and live, but it just wouldnt happen. At first I fought it as hard as I could. Then I grew accustomed to it, and felt quite satisfied being stuck.

Now someone has shaken me...like I've been in a daze and someone snapped their fingers in front of my eyes. I'm still in that initial shock phase, looking around trying to figure out where I am, who I am, what Im doing. And I'm still half in the daze...so Im sort of hesitant to come out of it, because its comfortable in there. Warm and fuzzy, cozy and familiar. And I dont know whats out there when I come out of the daze. Is it anything like where I just was? Will I ever fall back into the daze? Whats really so wrong with the daze anyways?

Ah yes, living. The thing I wasnt doing so well while in the daze. This is what is so wrong with my very recent previous state of mind.

So this is a good thing, right? Yes. She said, he said, I said, they said.
I think the next step is to wake up. Take a big breath, stretch, splash some water on my face.

I wonder if thats why I was having so much anxiety. Like my body trying to get me out of what ever parallel world I was in.

Life is a fucking trip. Everything changes constantly. But this can be a good thing.

This is a good thing.

Renaissance

2008-05-21T16:44:00.004-04:00

Re-naissance.
Re-birth.

I have gone missing.

Lost in legal jargon and expectations.

Business suits and coffee.

Billable hours and highlighters.

Fuck that says a muted voice from deep within. Fuck that as I shave my hair and rock my hightops. Fuck that as I put the needle back on the record.

Bills you say?

Fuck that as I sell my shit reduce reuse and recycle.

Dont need no new Gucci glasses.

Just a Stella.

Los cucarachas de senior Edward...

2006-10-11T12:01:00.000-04:00

An epic story of bravery, cowardice, and hysteria...

I'll begin my tale on a windy cloudy day at Mudville...oh yes, the famed Mudville,
(A Ballad of the Republic. Sung in the Year 1888)
And just like the Mudville nine, the outlook wasn't brilliant for Corporate Kerri and Shana Nasty that day.
Lunch wasnt swell, it was sweltering...
thats the heat of room and the sweat inducing meal
and precisely where we begin this gruesome tale...

While the wings were scorching and the beer hardly cooled,
The infamous duo soon realized they had just missed their school.
Alas another day without class and excuses,
but a perfect situation in which to introduce the ice pack on bruises.
For instead of coming to class late and dumb
the duo would prepare for the next week to come.

The irony hit when a text message sent
"we're at edwards, us two" and to edwards they went.
The message from Slopey and Brens at her side
How funny missing class the other duo in their tribe.
Notorious for missing classes and drinking as well
these four came together in their tendancies to rebel.

Into edwards they walked just in time to buy beer
without a clue about the little friend who would soon appear.
As Slopey and brens at soup with some corn
Corporate Kerri seemed to regard them with some scorn
"i've never like this place", she said with a look of contempt
but to chill and relax the tribe would attempt.

Unfortunatley for Brens, the little friend did appear
so creepy it was that it nearly braised her ear.
Alas corporate kerri so swift and so bold
Probably her haberdasher kept her so controlled.
She picked up a napkin and watched as he ran
and as she went to squish him he lept out of her hand.

Suddenlly, a loud shriek, heard right round the land
from little Slopey, who knew? her voice had such command.
The whole restaurant stopped, two angry men in the corner
while the waitress just smiled and continued to take our order.
If you can imagine, this was calm, while Nasty just stood,
amazed that her friend just screamed as loud as she could.

Moments later all were calm and they continued to converse
but of course conversation took a turn for the worse
Horror stories of spiders and roaches galore
Until all four of the tribe stood shook to the core.
And just as the conversation grew much more frightening
till all four sat feeling their skin bumpy and crawling

Suddenly, a gaze, more like a look of disgust
From Shana Nasty, something serious thought Slopey, serious a must
For she glared eyes wide open, mouth dropped to the floor
and the next thing you knew Shana sprinted for the door.
Hardly breathing just running the door handle in sight
Shana Nasty cared for nothing save escaping her fright.

Slopey P not so calm as some thought she could be
Instead she ran too, screaming and jumping wildly.
No one knew what had happened a simple glance and a stare
But the entire restaurant stopped to see what was there.
Entire, I lie, as Ker and Brens simply sat
thinking nothing of the madness they had just witnessed pass.

But the horror continued outside on the street
Shana Nasty running for life chased by Slopey P.
"Shaaayyyeeennnaa! WHERE IS IT WHERE ON EARTH COULD IT BE"
screamed Slopes as she undressed right there in the street
The little child and his mother stopped and just stared
as Shana ran wildly chased by Slopes deathly scared.

Finally Shana gave up and came to her aid
found nothing on Slopes who felt incredibly betrayed.
"Dont get it on me" screamed Shana just minutes before
Slopey simply didnt have it in her to forgive her friend anymore.
Embarrased and shy the two slumped back into edwards
Everyone staring loudly while the two just stared onwards.

"What was it?" grumbled Ker as she looked with distaste
And Brens had been shook you could see it in her face.
"i saw it I SWEAR, right there on her chest"
screamed Shana who at this point appeard quite a mess.
"You lie, its not true" said Ker with conviction
"It makes perfect sense, must have come out of the kitchen"

After apologies and hysterics the tribe simply laughed
How funny yet sad this predicament passed.
"Never again" said Corporate Ker and the tribe just agreed
"Never again" it is true, though the memory will succeed.
Thus the tale it must end, no cocroaches on her shirt
But forever this memory engrained and they laughed till it hurt.

5 years from the perspective of one week

2006-09-12T15:23:00.000-04:00

Check out the live performance from Def Comedy Jam

First Writing Since

By Suheir Hammad. Suheir Hammad is a Palestinian-American poet and political
activist. She has published a book of poems, Born Palestinian, Born Black,
and a memoir, Drops of This Story. Reprinted on this web page with
permission of the author.

1. there have been no words.
i have not written one word.
no poetry in the ashes south of canal street.
no prose in the refrigerated trucks driving debris and dna.
not one word.

today is a week, and seven is of heavens, gods, science.
evident out my kitchen window is an abstract reality.
sky where once was steel.
smoke where once was flesh.

fire in the city air and i feared for my sister’s life in a way never
before. and then, and now, i fear for the rest of us.

first, please god, let it be a mistake, the pilot’s heart failed, the
plane’s engine died.
then please god, let it be a nightmare, wake me now.
please god, after the second plane, please, don’t let it be anyone
who looks like my brothers.

i do not know how bad a life has to break in order to kill.
i have never been so hungry that i willed hunger
i have never been so angry as to want to control a gun over a pen.
not really.
even as a woman, as a palestinian, as a broken human being.
never this broken.

more than ever, i believe there is no difference.
the most privileged nation, most americans do not know the difference
between indians, afghanis, syrians, muslims, sikhs, hindus.
more than ever, there is no difference.

2. thank you korea for kimchi and bibim bob, and corn tea and the
genteel smiles of the wait staff at wonjo – smiles never revealing
the heat of the food or how tired they must be working long midtown
shifts. thank you korea, for the belly craving that brought me into
the city late the night before and diverted my daily train ride into
the world trade center.

there are plenty of thank yous in ny right now. thank you for my
lazy procrastinating late ass. thank you to the germs that had me
call in sick. thank you, my attitude, you had me fired the week
before. thank you for the train that never came, the rude nyer who
stole my cab going downtown. thank you for the sense my mama gave me
to run. thank you for my legs, my eyes, my life.

3. the dead are called lost and their families hold up shaky
printouts in front of us through screens smoked up.

we are looking for iris, mother of three. please call with any
information. we are searching for priti, last seen on the 103rd
floor. she was talking to her husband on the phone and the line
went. please help us find george, also known as adel. his family is
waiting for him with his favorite meal. i am looking for my son, who
was delivering coffee. i am looking for my sister girl, she started
her job on monday.

i am looking for peace. i am looking for mercy. i am looking for
evidence of compassion. any evidence of life. i am looking for
life.

4. ricardo on the radio said in his accent thick as yuca, “i will
feel so much better when the first bombs drop over there. and my
friends feel the same way.”

on my block, a woman was crying in a car parked and stranded in hurt.
i offered comfort, extended a hand she did not see before she said,
“we’re gonna burn them so bad, i swear, so bad.” my hand went to my
head and my head went to the numbers within it of the dead iraqi
children, the dead in nicaragua. the dead in rwanda who had to vie
with fake sport wrestling for america’s attention.

yet when people sent emails saying, this was bound to happen, lets
not forget u.s. transgressions, for half a second i felt resentful.
hold up with that, cause i live here, these are my friends and fam,
and it could have been me in those buildings, and we’re not bad
people, do not support america’s bullying. can i just have a half
second to feel bad?

if i can find through this exhaust people who were left behind to
mourn and to resist mass murder, i might be alright.

thank you to the woman who saw me brinking my cool and blinking back
tears. she opened her arms before she asked “do you want a hug?” a
big white woman, and her embrace was the kind only people with the
warmth of flesh can offer. i wasn’t about to say no to any comfort.
“my brother’s in the navy,” i said. “and we’re arabs”. “wow, you
got double trouble.” word.

5. one more person ask me if i knew the hijackers.
one more motherfucker ask me what navy my brother is in.
one more person assume no arabs or muslims were killed.
one more person assume they know me, or that i represent a people.
or that a people represent an evil. or that evil is as simple as a
flag and words on a page.

we did not vilify all white men when mcveigh bombed oklahoma.
america did not give out his family’s addresses or where he went to
church. or blame the bible or pat robertson.

and when the networks air footage of palestinians dancing in the
street, there is no apology that hungry children are bribed with
sweets that turn their teeth brown. that correspondents edit images.
that archives are there to facilitate lazy and inaccurate
journalism.

and when we talk about holy books and hooded men and death, why do we
never mention the kkk?

if there are any people on earth who understand how new york is
feeling right now, they are in the west bank and the gaza strip.

6. today it is ten days. last night bush waged war on a man once
openly funded by the
cia. i do not know who is responsible. read too many books, know
too many people to believe what i am told. i don’t give a fuck about
bin laden. his vision of the world does not include me or those i
love. and petittions have been going around for years trying to get
the u.s. sponsored taliban out of power. shit is complicated, and i
don’t know what to think.

but i know for sure who will pay.

in the world, it will be women, mostly colored and poor. women will
have to bury children, and support themselves through grief. “either
you are with us, or with the terrorists” - meaning keep your people
under control and your resistance censored. meaning we got the loot
and the nukes.

in america, it will be those amongst us who refuse blanket attacks on
the shivering. those of us who work toward social justice, in
support of civil liberties, in opposition to hateful foreign
policies.

i have never felt less american and more new yorker – particularly
brooklyn, than these past days. the stars and stripes on all these
cars and apartment windows represent the dead as citizens first – not
family members, not lovers.

i feel like my skin is real thin, and that my eyes are only going to
get darker. the future holds little light.

my baby brother is a man now, and on alert, and praying five times a
day that the orders he will take in a few days time are righteous and
will not weigh his soul down from the afterlife he deserves.

both my brothers - my heart stops when i try to pray - not a beat to
disturb my fear. one a rock god, the other a sergeant, and both
palestinian, practicing muslim, gentle men. both born in brooklyn
and their faces are of the archetypal arab man, all eyelashes and
nose and beautiful color and stubborn hair.

what will their lives be like now?

over there is over here.

7. all day, across the river, the smell of burning rubber and limbs
floats through. the sirens have stopped now. the advertisers are
back on the air. the rescue workers are traumatized. the skyline is
brought back to human size. no longer taunting the gods with its
height.

i have not cried at all while writing this. i cried when i saw those
buildings collapse on themselves like a broken heart. i have never
owned pain that needs to spread like that. and i cry daily that my
brothers return to our mother safe and whole.

there is no poetry in this. there are causes and effects. there are
symbols and ideologies. mad conspiracy here, and information we will
never know. there is death here, and there are promises of more.

there is life here. anyone reading this is breathing, maybe hurting,
but breathing for sure. and if there is any light to come, it will
shine from the eyes of those who look for peace and justice after the
rubble and rhetoric are cleared and the phoenix has risen.

affirm life.
affirm life.
we got to carry each other now.
you are either with life, or against it.
affirm life.

suheir hammad

2006-05-12T20:42:00.000-04:00

I think I've missed more flights than most people fly in their entire lifetime. i generally fly quite often, and I tend to miss about 1/3 of my flights. So if you figure that I fly maybe 3 times a month, and miss one of those three flights, the missed flights would equal a frequent flyer on their own.

damn. lemme think about flights ive missed to and from:
ft lauderdale from new york
new york from paris
oakland from new york
san jose from new york
wisconsin from new york
etcetera n shit.

its been a bit ridiculous. but as ive grown, ive learned to take things in stride. this hasnt cost me money, only time. this time has allowed me to decompress after the exam week from hell.

and off to M.I.A. cuz them bitches is sexy

searching

2006-04-24T15:27:00.000-04:00

i have a lot more to say on this issue, but for now i'll simply put it at this

in the midst of my 26th year, likening myself to my mother who gave birth to me at the same age, and contrasting myself against those around me, older, younger, smarter, stronger, slower, simpler...
im afraid that i've been parading
around as though i truly believe my cause,
as if i ever had one at all

cuz i think i formed one, maybe just to form one
kind of like how i went to law school just to go

and im starting to dislike myself,
so i'll delve further when i have a moment.

rats

2006-02-06T18:57:00.000-05:00

So I think this is where I dont fit in.
Somehow I've been convinced that change is possible.
I am beginning to realize that this idea has not come in an acceptance of our government or judicial system.
Nor has it come in the form that I feel was taught to those that came before me and similarly those who have applauded the steps I've taken thus far in my "career".
They argue that there is a formula. That certain methods will reward, or provide you with the changes you seek.
I wonder if they have thought about the very element they try to achieve.
I wonder if they thought the changes would bring about change.

So now Im here. With this sudden realization that I've been fighting.
Like "they" have been holding my head under water...waiting for the changes to occur in me. Waiting for me to buy into the formulation that we've all been taught.
Do you wonder? Cuz I wonder.

and supposedly Im smart. And thats what they've been saying since I was in the smart kids class in elementary school.
Do they train us? Are we supposed to be preconditioned? And what happens when we veer off the tracks?
Do we realized that we've been brainwashed? Do they seek us out and try to keep us from exclaiming to others our newfound wisdom? Do they have a task force to keep in line the smart kids that "disappear"...maybe they take us to some hidden, underground prison and make us police the internet or provide some other government function with wires tapped into our head and computers monitoring our every thought.
Its like we're the test rats that get out and form our own union...Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles...Smart Kids Gone Bad.

I wonder if there's some collective out there of smart kid rejects who shook themselves out of the daze of bullshit, the daze of the promise of a substantial future, and awoke to the realization that we're all fucked. But some of us are programmed so we dont realize we're fucked.
Maybe if we just shut up and accept the programming we'll all be ok.

Or, maybe we're not supposed to have hearts, or passion, or true talents that reach far beyond whatever they'd like to program us to do or think.

Dont you wonder if it was Mozart who was programmed, or if he was an escaped rat that started a revolution. Do they model programs after escaped rats? Probably some of them...maybe the ones that dont know any better.
Escaped Rats:
Malcolm X
Basquiat
John Cage
Benjamin Franklin
Shana Fried.

There is nothing that exists if it doesnt come from an original thought. Because everything else is recycled bullshit. And the programmed ones are the ones that enforce that train of thought. But what is an original thought, if it doesnt stem from a thought we've been taught. Or deciphered through the language that we've been taught. Can we have original thoughts without having them be tainted by the petri dish that we're contained in? Can i get a breath of fresh air from outside the fucking petri dish?

ANYWAYS, this began as an introduction to the idea that MEDIA is the new GOVERNMENT. After all, government (while easily infiltratible and contaminatable) was supposed to be created as an outreach of the voice of the people...and this institution was most likely corrupt long before it was ever enforced...but that was the idea. So, can you imagine how media and marketing and provocation can be a STRONGER method of regulating the thoughts that exist within the petri dish?
After all...its much more accessible and very easy to decipher in this day and age. For some reason, all the old white men who run the country decided to stick with a tired, stuffy and frankly quite boring method of ruling this country. YA, it makes it a lot easier for them to maintain their status, but it also allows for a lot of cracks in the system. NO ONE FOLLOWS GOVERNMENT. the "people" have no fucking clue whats going on...so I cant help but wonder what the fuck im doing here. Maybe its to learn the way they think in order to overturn..."dress and act and talk like them, then fool them at their own game".
But wouldnt it be cooler to use the "common people's" tool: MEDIA and overturn the old ways.
So, in addition to the religion I'll be forming, I've decided to recruit youths and escaped rats to overturn so TV can be our new government.

funny that you say that

2006-02-06T12:24:00.000-05:00

funny that you say that
cuz my mind wants to replay that
but switch the you with the me
and the she for the she
because the her you speak of
the dreams you dream of
not worth the words you speak
not true the feelings it reaps

im sorry to say
tho its plain as my everyday
that the invaluable
the ingaugable
the truly tangible
yet unmanageable
reasons deepen within
certain traits
some mistakes
but NEVER fake
always seem to take
me
and leave
me

with this notion that you know more
that you show less
and your kindness
is more precise
and your consideration
comes with beautiful articulation

so no, my dear
those things you fear
the traits you miss
those strengths you wish
no need

for im the one who must heed
must follow your lead
because honestly,
truthfully, like words from your mouth,
you are the one

and it is you who i wish to be
like
it is you who i like to be
wish
you and me
can be
truly
i wish to see what you see
deep breaths and all
because it must be softer where you fall.

tangible

2006-01-29T20:15:00.000-05:00

anyone can write a book.
ideas are spread by word of mouth, by influence, coercion, persuasion, implication.
and people are simply suceptable to these thoughts and the inheritence of these thoughts into our trains of thought.
almost as if the mechanism designed to transform memory into doing is applied widely and any and all information gets stuck in our brains...a building block to our lives our societies our histories. and we have no say. there are no mind erasers, no memory disenhancers, no natural filtration system to weed out the unimportant or unnecessary information. so we are all vulnerable to the capacity of eachothers brain.
like the only restraints might simply be in our make up. in the actual science of our minds, unless you prefer another classification other than science. But thats another conversation.
So what i mean is simply this:
if our brains have the capactiy of something like one cup of water, and we can only think in terms of water, we are self contained as a species to think within certain confines of what we've all been given.
And further, if we are all in this together...even playing field if you will, then I wonder what the restraints are when applied to the actual thinking "in terms of water", since, of course, this is our only guideline. What does that mean? Will different people think in terms of water differently? WIll all people be able to decipher another "thinking" in terms of water? Can your thinking of water affect my thinking of water? If I were to take a large portion of my water and chemically duplicate it, then drain the same amount from your cup of water and replace it with my chemically duplicated water, would I essentially be "brain washing" you (funny...washing...water...) by replacing your thoughts with mine? How many thoughts can fill up the one cup of water? Are we born with a predetermined "thought" of the water already in our heads? Or are each of our waters chemically different though we are all somehow able to share "ideas" of water because we speak the same language?

Have you ever thought about what other people see? I often imagine complete darkness and all of us running around seeing different things...imagining different masses then physically being aware of them...maybe when the brain creates a physical image it correlates the imaginary physical image and its "visual" reproduction (which is really just a tought of a visual image) to a "touching" sensation on all "touching" receivers (fingers, body, short hairs on the back of your neck). So really its all just one big mind fuck with all senses plugged in to the game console...
Remember in the 80's when they thought virtual realtiy would become a new world in which we already exist. Like we can set up a computer program to create a "car" in the virtual reality game, but there's no car there...its just a binary representation.
But what if we already exist in this virtual reality world...and we have forever... and we're just living out the game.

Is that what they think god is? The super IT man...the computer programmer that created this version of SIM CITY...and the universe is actually some clubhouse with a bunch of tech geeks with their own worlds...

Did you ever wonder what kind of societites ants have? And how they view humans? Are we similar to the "giants' we protray in our childrens books like "Jack and the beanstalk" or Lord of the Rings?

I guess if you remove the time/space continuum that we seem to have created as an explaination for our existance, or at least a user interface for it...what remains? Maybe its really like the Matrix. Or maybe this is all happening as some strange dream that is in actuality only a fraction of the "life" of whatever being is creating this dream...in whatever "world" it exists...

I'm thinking of starting a new religion as a way to make money...but also and probably more importantly as a way to examine the ease of interpretation and the power of marketing.
And in effect, as a way to exclaim to the "world"...look at how fucking silly we're all being.

weight

2006-01-24T19:12:00.000-05:00

I lost my identity somewhere along the way
just when i thought i was getting closer
but maybe its the mood i woke up in today
or maybe its that i awoke sober

I wrestled with thoughts that weighed heavy on my mind
so heavy in fact that they actually stopped time
the clock on the wall stuck at 8.45
and the thoughts kept pressing till I felt I went blind

but when i opened my eyes i seemed to forget
cuz your smile and your lips were right there
and for a moment those heavy thoughts they just left
and i lost myself in the scent of your hair

its too bad that you left cuz you could have set free
whatever had been suffocating me
but now its become clear and plain to see
that these heavy thoughts just wont let me be

no

2006-01-19T16:45:00.000-05:00

please dont misread me
although at times im misleading
cuz i know that you really see me
and i can always feel you breathing
i dont want to hear the plea
because you should know that all i see
all i breathe all dream
is the future of you and me.

it is a tangible truth
those thoughts of you
so i hope you'll be soothed
by the current proof

and i look forward to our life.

ghosts

2006-01-03T11:51:00.000-05:00

its not that theres a ghost of you
but i seem to sense some force of you
i wonder if i seek to shed you
in some permanency and by leaving
by recreating
im dissolving you
visibly feeling you disappear
but little remnants pop up and i stop
i stop
but i start
i start to stop the stop
because i just dont want to stop anymore.

and maybe these are the lasts thoughts we'll share
maybe these times are the final caresses of my memories
and the rest shall be buried, with the ghosts
buried with what ever else ive put down
pushed out and away from any space conducive to containing these thoughts.

I have changed.
it is apparent as i rearrange and renovate and prepare for a newness.
my past has ended and my future has already begun.

i open my arms and feel the most comforting reassuring sense of tangible reality.

the point?

2005-12-16T14:47:00.000-05:00

i went to b&h yesterday and it freaked me out...
way too many hasisdim in one room. seriously.

so i dont really know what im gonna do with my days
wonder if i'll ever change my ways

and i think about the hilarity of it all
like you gotta laugh real hard before you fall

but not much seems to change around here
i almost wonder what happened in a year

is it possible that a crash from so high
would really cause me to question why

its not enough that i got to experience it
should i be distracted by having to miss it

probably time to just let go
happy enough that i felt your flow

time to carry on there's much to do
even if you and i arent quite thru

cuz i dont want to go thru it again
id rather forget we were ever even friends.

the point

2005-11-21T12:25:00.000-05:00

i started this blog cuz.
well cuz i wanted to say stuff and maybe have a couple of kids read it...purely selfish reasons.

so here i am, swamped with law school, hardly poke my head out of my house/class/library/coffee shops/girlfriends arms...

thats my life till im done with finals.

My friend Shay had her birthday party last night. It was super cool cuz I saw my friends mom and her wife...some of my fav peeps...it was really nice to see them since I dont usually get the chance now that Im not dating their niece.
But either way, I didnt spend too much time talking to them cuz I was dealing with an incredibly fucked up sound system. The music wasnt too bad, but if they had the proper equipment it would have been cool.

It was nice to see some friends but mostly I tinkered with audio equipment and danced with my wifey.

such is life. im off to cali again on wednesday at the cracka cracka dawn...6am after snapshot ugh.

so more from there.
holla

freedom

2005-10-23T18:09:00.000-04:00

suddenly, these walls are closing in around me
and i feel as though i must choose one to lean against
then watch the rest crumble
will i be safe?
can i still access pieces of what once stood
do i want to?

can i even fathom starting again, so deep in this game.
but im so late for that train.
the one that was promising to take me there
to take me where
where the breeze soothes my mind
and i'll exist without time

maybe it could work
or i'll just give it a try
so i can stop asking why
and once again feel my soul fly.

Reppin the snaps

2005-09-13T11:53:00.000-04:00

I GOT MY MOMS REPPIN *SNAPSHOT*...

HOW BOUT YOU?

snappy mom

technology is cool

2005-09-13T11:44:00.000-04:00

so i recently added the "ringback" tones from verizon...
not sure how people actually feel about it. some like it but get sick of the songs, others are confused and are unable to adapt to this new idea of calling someone without hearing actual rings. and still others just hate the songs that i choose.
SO, in an effort to please most, i've created a "jukebox" which will randomnly play the songs in it. right now i think i have like 6 or 7 songs...more will be added. the genres are wide and varied.

makes me wanna listen to electronic music again cus i just added the Wax Poetic track "Angel" with Norah Jones singin on it. I only have it on vinyl...but now YOU ALL get to hear it when you call me. HOLLA.

oh and, um...maybe i'll add a pic cuz i feel like ive been neglecting my blog. shit.

here you go
pussy wagon

Aparently Quentin Tarantino was actually driving around in the pussy wagon at the time...this made my wifey very excited so she took a pic.

frust ray shun : contented

2005-09-06T14:48:00.000-04:00

my weekend, tho long and relatively relaxing, still came with frustration.
it started a bit early because i missed an important class and a class i can believe im forced to take.
i attended class at 2pm with my wifey. i spent the entire night before awake for some reason and therefore had to sleep until 11 instead of 7am.
i think the frustration began on friday. i dont think it was the best idea for me to pretend that my relationship is in any way relaxed or remotely the same with my ex-girlfriend. on its surface, our time toghether was fine. it was civil and actually enjoyable. in retrospect, i find that it produced nothing of value, except that i got to see her mom...someone i miss fo sho. At this point, i feel like i've grown in so many ways and it sometimes amazes me that i was ever with my ex. i think this observation is further underlined by my current relationship.
HONESTLY, i am awed by the substantial quality of my current relationship. it is built of truth, passion, genuine love and care, honesty, and voluntary persistance. we are both in it for the same reasons, with the same motivations, and with similar anticipation of our future. it has gotten to the point that i rarely speculate the details of the relationship because it is just "ok". what i mean is, it causes me no worries, no concerns, only anticipation and satisfaction.

anyways, enough about my bullshit. yesterday was nicco's birthday bbq at lily's house in BK. PIMP ass brownstone with a beautiful garden in the back. great weather and even better company. yesterday was fun because we all got high at little's house and created our gifts for nicco. lots of construction paper and crayons and creativity. tina g makes me laugh hysterically ALL the time. good times good people good labor day.

back to the grind, looking for apts, trying to move *snapshot*, studying as much as i can.
HOLLA

this again

2005-08-29T12:23:00.000-04:00

hello my loyal readers...if i have any left. i must apologize for disappearing for the past month or so. i've been away and around and everywhere. i guess i could tell you about it but im in class right now and its probably not the appropriate time.
basically im back in law school, year two.
im still living in that horrible little box in the east village but im trying to find time to look for another apartment. i went to the Michigan Womyns Festival with God-des & She at the beginning of this month. it was fun to pretend to be rock stars and live on "the land" with hippie smelly naked women and their bland hippie food.
i spent a lot of time in california just chillin and workin for my mom when i got the chance.
i just got back into my routine and its already almost overwhelming. its only my second week of school and i've already gotten a bit behind and *snapshot* is getting crazy cuz we're moving to bar 13 and managing God-des and She is seriously becoming serious. like for serious.
i've got lots going on as usual but i feel a bit older...

OH...very important. check this website. seriously.

dropoutpostgrad

i've been busy

2005-07-14T11:27:00.000-04:00

and thats my excuse for not writing.
that and the fact that a lot of my time has been occupied by someone i enjoy being with.
so i'm off to cali again on wednesday...yipee
and im happy.

worth it

2005-07-04T21:17:00.000-04:00

is it really worth it

so today is the celebration of the creation of yet another super power, the separation of ideas to create a very similar structure...o revolution.

there needs to be change. but what change is positive
what change is worth it.

happy fourth of july. happy sunny summer day. happy first time to long island with the sunshine and a swimming pool and time to get in the shower because i feel the bleach sinking into my brain cells and turning me to mush.

proud?

2005-06-25T12:58:00.000-04:00

happy pride all you dykes fags trannies homos queeros lovely beautiful people.
come to my party or we'll never speak again.

and this

2005-06-19T02:08:00.000-04:00

i feel the pressures of life and death
the stresses they're right and left.
how it can grow to be
and the growth you constantly see
but how it deteriorates
the time had you hardly wait.
and now its stretching you
teasing you finding you
in the middle.

somewhere stuck. in the middle
always about me. what about them.
thats what i see.
finally.

squeeze in their skin
try to fill their shoes.
concentrate hard as might
try to understand their fight.

but honestly here i sit.
away from it all i fit.
like ive been overlooked
my time underbooked.

so from this high vantage point,
among the great stars
away from it all
yet prepared to fall.

i see possibility.
i feel relativity.

and in this one breath
i'll separate the rest
and now all will come
and then be undone
mind free from this question
save from one last lesson

i think i am done
and my time has come.

planes, trains and automobiles

2005-06-14T09:57:00.000-04:00

i awoke this morning to an unfamiliar sound.
stirred by a sense of disassociation with my surroundings, i eased my eyes open and attempted to translate what my ears were hearing. then it hit me.
the sound coming from the window was not the garbage truck or the street cleaner or an ambulance or just plain traffic.
it was the long forgotten sound of the sprinkler in the back yard, the birds chirping, the mild wind blowing.
oh, and it was 6.45 am.

now fully awake at 7, i am able to reflect on my day which ended with me passing out cold at about 11 last night.
to begin, sunday night was a bit frantic and it was coupled with the stress that had begun to eat up my every move, thought, and word. i do believe that if i hadn't have gone on this vacation, i just might have self-destructed. kind of like the messages sent to the team in the mission impossible tv series. its frustrating enough that i anticipate an ulcer as a result of the stress that i filter through my body. but i was beginning to bring others down with me. i would enter a room and suddenly infect everyone with stress and frustration. this is not a healthy working environment.

so sunday night was extraordinarily hectic. i realized that i had to travel two hours to get to the airport on long island to take my free southwest flight. i realized this at midnight, not quite fully packed, with my flight leaving at 9.30am the next day. to make it even worse, i went online to look at the train schedule and see that there are only two options: take the 7.30 train from penn station and arrive at 9am...no good cuz i'd miss my flight; or take the 5.11am train, yes thats 5 in the morning, and arrive at 6.40 with way too much time to kill at a small airport halfway to the hamptons. this was a frustrating discovery at 1am, the time i finally finished packing and getting ready for my trip.

with no other option, i reluctantly fell asleep for 3 hours, rushed out of my house and jumped into a cab thinking i might miss the 5am train. halfway to penn station, i realize i've left my camera, a book, and my fucking ipod. infuriated, i had to continue on to penn station. i buy my ticket and end up waiting around for 15 minutes for the train to come because the cabby really did take me to penn station "as fast as you can please". fuck. i could have turned around and gotten my ipod.

so i board the train and an hour and a half later arrive in sleepy ronkonkoma or whatever it's called...mind you i was delirious at this point. then i take this cute little shuttle to the airport for 5 buck. i check in at 7am and casually ask if there might be an earlier flight so i dont have to wait around for 2 hours. well, there was a flight at 7.30. this made me happy. imagine.

so im walking to the gate, i stop and get some portable cereal (weird concept) and hear my name being called on the loudspeaker. "would southwest arilines passenger shannnna freeed please come to gate 8 immediately". oh shit. i've never had that happen before, even though im notoriously late all the time.

i was actually right there anyways so it wasnt a big deal and i ended up waiting on that strange floating corridor that leads you to the plane because it was backed up. being the last person to board, the flight attendant of course says, "honey, you're going to have to check that luggage because the overhead bins are full". shit, i really didnt want to check my luggage, i packed lightly to avoid a situation like this. regardless, i hand my medium black roll away suitcase to the man in the blue jumpsuit that gets to go down to ground level and put in under the plane. but he was really cute so it was kind of fun anyways. he hands me a handwritten luggage tag and i find a seat between some guy and this older lady with white hair somewhere in the neighborhood of row 22. i hate sitting in the back of the plane. i especially hate sitting in the middle.

so i took half a valium and passed out. but this flight stopped in chicago, lucky me. before landing, the lady and i struck up a conversation that i was actually able to keep my eyelids 2/3 of the way open in order to participate. she was incredibly sweet and was talking to me about living in chicago. she did something for the city because she was looking at a restatement for city codes or something. we talked briefly about how she got to the airport and that her nephew woke up and took her. i did not mention my chaotic trip. i simply did not have the energy to speak so many words.

about 95% of the passengers on the plane got off in chicago. this meant that those of us continuting on to san diego got to relocate. i of course moved right up to the second row and sat next to the window. eventually the plane filled up again and i was joined by some early-twenties-blonde-5 o'clock-shadow-never-took-off-his-ipod (lucky bastard) kid who was probably from san diego. he sat on the end. then this really loud but seemingly harmless woman who must have been about 40 but acted as though she was 23 asks if the seat in the middle was taken. im distracted reading my book but of course observe her because she kind of forced her loudness on anyone from the front row to about row 10. not wanting to find out exactly how obnoxious she could be, i intently kept to myself and continue to read. once i got more water, i took a full valium and soon fell asleep. i awoke almost in san diego to a weird snack that consisted of some low-carb cheese it-type things, oreos, and graham crackers. healthy, really healthy. so i ate the graham crackers because i was in fact starving. remember when they used to give you an apple? anyways, the woman next to me ate her oreos and exclaimed loudly "yay, finally" when the food items were served. she noticed that i only ate the graham crackers and then offered me hers because she "doesnt like honey". i refused politely but was impressed with her consideration. i fell asleep again for maybe half an hour. then woke to prepare for landing. i opened my oreos and gave her two and ate two myself. she then told me a little about herself. she talked about how she was from chicago but recently moved to san diego. she said she liked it but it was a little too slow for her. she said that bars would kick her out after two or three drinks because she was being too "loud and obnoxious". its funny that im sure it had nothing to do with the alcohol. but i became fond of her open-ness and careless nature. she wasn't obnoxious, she was actually sweet, but really, really vocal. so then we all got off the plane and she was out really quick with a "take care new york" directed at me. i replied good bye and got off the plane in san diego.

my last flight, to san jose, was an easy one. its a quick one hour trip and i was arriving earlier than expected because i took that earlier flight in new york. my mother was at the gym so i could not reach her to pick me up. my aunt dino came through and scooped me but only after having to wait until i dealt with baggage claim because guess what...they lost my luggage.
of course right?
and its not that i was angry, just kind of like "i told you so" to myself. they of course could not trace the luggage because my stupid ass threw away the stub when i got on the plane to san diego. the stub had never been entered into a computer because it was done manually and last minute by the cute guy on long island.

anyways, the happy part is that i came home, hung out with my family. my aunt monique arrived shortly after with her husband and her dog. we talked and talked and talked and drank wine and wine and wine and eventually, my luggage did come.

i passed out and the next thing i knew i heard sprinklers.

welcome home...now exhale.

boston

2005-06-11T09:31:00.000-04:00

im off to boston in two hours to go to pride and to watch my talented women blow up the pride stage up there. i was supposed to get up early and go to the gym, but instead i got up early and am laying in bed playin on my computer instead. this might change shortly since i still have some time before i have to leave.
today is brooklyn pride and all my friends are flyering for like, every party ever in new york. its kind of funny to think that we're in this thing for real. like snapshot is actually to be taken seriously.
im off to california on monday and wont be back until the 21st of june. this is mostly sad because i will miss my beautiful woman terribly while i am gone, but until then we can still have our late night conversations and calculations.
i will be travelling a lot this summer. my parents think i need to get a part time job. i might do clown parties with my homie. i might become a call girl. i might take over sony entertainment.
for now, i'll be content running around this country with god-des & she and throwing a pretty cool party that seems to be getting cooler.
wifey's away and all i have to say
is that i miss her smile but not her laugh since i hear in on the other end of the phone 42 times a day.

i think that's it for now. my alarm clock keeps going off to remind me to go to the gym. like now. so maybe i will.
happy gay day boston and brooklyn.

so i thought it was...

2005-06-05T18:50:00.000-04:00

distraction.
but i've changed my opinion.
now i know its much much bigger than that. and endless, deep, strong, patient.

so this time alone and reflection eternal.

i recall beautiful sunny days with thoughts in my brain
pen and paper in hand
sitting by the reflection pool at the christian science center
in boston.

and i thought i was distracted,
but now i see the intention. somewhere lost in a maze beyond her eyes.
so maybe thats why i stick around. to find the end of the maze.
but its endless, so im engaged. determined but subdued, like a drug.

and while my eyes are locked, my body moves.
it strengthens and grows it sways and flows.

the sense of touch heightened, as i explore.
for my eyes are locked and do not work anymore.

there are places, on a person's body.
like a scented marker or scratch n sniff stickers...you inhale the scent so much you are afraid you'll wear it out.

the moments in fact are hours. the days in fact weeks.
and though it feels like yesterday, its been long since we first did meet.

i think my favorite is, the thing i think of most.
that another individual, strong. willful. pure. has set up post.

nights so long they turn to days.

the thing i want to thank you for.
now i know what it is.
its not that i want to thank you for my growth.
but that i want to thank you for helping me realize that i have grown.
i have grown and i am strong and this is exactly what i desire. all of it.

awaiting the empire.

the love fest

2005-05-31T11:08:00.000-04:00

i've been away.
i spent my memorial day weekend at my vacation home in battery park city with the most adorable little shit of a dog and a woman i cant help but be crazy about.
the dog had a great time.
we hardly did shit other than looking into eachother's eyes and being mushy and lovey and all that. oh, and playiing with the puppy of course.
it was honestly like a vacation. there were no business phone calls, no friends urging me to go out, no problems, no alarm clocks (thats a blatent lie...the dog licking my hand at like 7.30am was quite the wake up call), and absolutely no stress.
so i feel refreshed...completely.

big thanks to the doggie's mommie..
and especially to my woman. fucking wonderful weekend.

and all my friends have high powered jobs with offices and responsibilities. and my days consist of me waking up and taking charge of my life. hustlin.
cuz i dont have a paycheck. i have the opportunity to make money, its right in my face. my job is to figure out how to get that money in my pocket. hustlin.

its nice to not have to answer to someone.
its nice to determine my own future.

*snapshot* pride party comin up really really really soon..

thanks to the kids in the photo shoot.

vacation

2005-05-28T10:37:00.000-04:00

so i am about ready for a vacation.
the kind with no cell phones, no emails, no friends dropping by.
the kind where no one wants anything from me,
where i can hang out in my pajamas or my bikini and do whatever i please.
i need space to myself that is larger than the one-room box i've somehow begun to share extensively with someone else.
i need late mornings, early nights, sunshine, music, and calm.

i need to know that the work i've done is helping and progressing my future to where i want it to be.
i need moroccan tea.
i need my mother.

i dont need another blunt.
i dont need late night pizza from lil frankies followed by frankie showing up with late night magnolia.
i dont need the stress that follows me as if it is attached to my cell phone.

a deep breath.
thats what i need.

no es amor, es un obsession

2005-05-26T12:58:00.000-04:00

your tears cannot induce me to defy my intuition.

but it is just that. my intuition. that keeps you on my mind and in my dreams.

apparently we are not done. apparently there is one last page to be written in our book.
our stories, ups, downs, smiles, frowns, so many turns that im not sure this book is ready to end.
are we able to write that last page?
will it be obvious if we begin to speak again, that the end is around the corner.

maybe we need that. closure.
maybe we need to have that one last conversation, or to begin conversing in order to realize that our romance has ended.

but i must understand my motivation.
so i dont know.

and we've moved on. both of us.
but there seems to be one last sring attached.

summer sunshine storms

2005-05-22T15:19:00.000-04:00

yesterday, the sun shining hot on the pavement and the wind soothing the shaded parts of the city.
did you ever think about how the sun penetrates the buildings in the city. how only some parts of the sidewalk ever see sunshine. the avenues are lucky. they are lucky because the sun will shift from east to west affecting both sides of the street. but what about the streets. what if you are so far above houston that the sun never hits the southern part of your street. the buildings block the rays so that they only hit the north side, leaving trees and lives slighted from the sun. and what if you live in an apartment on the south side of the street with the window facing north, never to have the sun shine directly through your window. are you missing out? should you be paying less rent?

then the thunder hit.

loud, stopping everything as if to announce that the summer sunshowers have arrived. that it is now time where you will be walking along on a perfectly beautiful summer day, and then out of the blue, like a neighbor stopping by to get sugar, the thunder announces the rain that will drive you quickly into the dwellings that suffocate the streets. the cabs are filled, the trains get busier, the hot dog venders loose money.

but you know that it will soon be over and the sunshine will return momentarily. and hours later, after the sunshine has dried up the rain, you would have never even known that the rain had come.

did you happen to notice the sky last night as the thunder roared and the rain pelted?
it reminded me of the apocalypse.
as i have seen it in my dreams.

surreality

2005-05-15T17:43:00.000-04:00

the dream sequence has taken me here. perched in my windowsil overlooking life below. calm breeze blending the beats from the inside.
im not sure i know what day it is, or quite where i've been.
i know there has been a change.
whether its the weather,
with the eager spring days pushing the sun further into the city.
the end of school,
feeling no responsibilities when i wake at noon.
the anticipation of better days and memories,
travles of this world to keep my mind free.
or maybe its just the smile and touch from that woman,
the one i like so much.

because now we're here, as we've been for days.
and the feelings grow thicker with the sun rays.
the hugs get stronger, the kisses last longer.

excitement has come with this change, the change brought on by the dream, or the dream brought on by the change.

3...2...1...almost

2005-05-09T14:05:00.000-04:00

i am almost done with my first year of law school. like, allllllllllmmmmmmmmossssst.....
one more final to go. so i've got the next two days to prepare and get my shit together. once i am finished i will be back to my famed self running around with the crazies, drinking like its my job, and sleeping. imagine that, sleeping.

so now i need someone to help me out with my contracts.
hook it up.

newness

2005-05-05T12:40:00.000-04:00

i think i have to move.

i cant deal with the bugs, the size, and the fucking rent. This city is ridiculous and i feel as though i have been continually raped for almost two years.

so, last night, im high with my homie. i had just rolled a beautiful j, we were in the midst of stimulating conversation, like we do. i get up to get water...and fuck. right on my wall above my brand new super duper expensive printer/copier/scanner/fax machine thingy that i bought because i felt like spending money, is a stupid stubborn mid-sized cockroach.
my immediate reaction is to scream and jump up and down. then demand that my homie kill the bug because she's there and there's no way i am going to do it if there is someone else who will. she's not so thrilled about the prospect of having to kill this thing, especially since its not her apartment. so i hand my homie the spray and watch her douse the fucker...but he doesnt die.
so, my homie, not interested in making sure it was dead, proposes that we go next door and ask my neighbor to kill it, or at least to find it. mind you we were really high at this point. we drag her over, we poke around, and find nothing. she leaves because she's writing some paper for school.
at this point im really upset because i needed to find the corpse to ease my mind before i went to bed high as fuck and paranoid. my homie was no help. whatever.

the next morning, my homie left and i got ready for school. i was about to cook myself some breakfast because i've been put on to some health shit by this girl i know (who'll i'll discuss later). just as i begin to prepare my egg whites with onions and peppers, i open the cabinet to get Pam and fuck. another one. this time i simply screamed really loudly, jumped up, and threw the Pam hard onto the stove top. i then put the food back in the fridge and bounced. i cant do this.

there was no homie to my rescue and my wifey was not around to kill the bug...cuz she's good like that.

ya, my wifey. i kinda have one. i'll tell you all about it later. cuz i have to study for my criminal law final now.

blurring

2005-05-01T16:22:00.000-04:00

all the words are blurring together.
i dont know if im thinking about landlord tenant law or the sale of property or the estate system or adverse possession. i do know that i cannot see straight and i am getting progressively more confused as i attempt to make sense when i have no sense.
i think the world is moving around me, i can feel it slowly rocking me to sleep.
i feel the weight of last night on my eyelids...pushing, coaxing, teasing them to close.
my brain feels like applesauce. every know and again a chunk with substance is recognized, but then gets filtered through with the rest of the mush.
and i really. really. really. cant wait till tomorrow is over.

transition

2005-04-29T16:41:00.000-04:00

I find myself grinding through my obligations and fleeing through my associations

I see loud and clear and am blinded by what i do not want to hear

I am focused on what is in front of me while turning my back to what they want from me

it creeps

up on me like a sneeze.

she lies

quiety while she breaths.

the warmth of her skin

and i want to stay in.

the words the work the dream

2005-04-25T13:24:00.000-04:00

its almost unbelievable, like you feel its all a joke.
no one can be this true.
where the engery and excitement for something explodes out of her.
how rare it is to find such honesty, such faith in what you do.

there is never doubt in our conversations.
there is never fear of pain or loss.

something reassuring about her sincerity.
something urging me to move on.

because behind those captivating eyes,
an effortless beauty lies.

a truth in every thought conjured, every word spoken, every goal envisioned.

this is why i call her beautiful.

natural and strong. i find few internal conflicts when considering her ambition. and the determination?
her determination, her commitment, her drive.
all so present, so present you can even find it in tangible form.
you can find it by simply looking at her shape, at her hard work, at her devotion...to herself.

this is beautiful.

i'll admit that the result is a physical presence unparalleled, accompanied by the natural beauty shamelessly flowing from her lips, her eyes, her hair, her smile.

the combination leaves me breathless, anxious, appreciative, in awe of this strong, beautiful woman.

thank you for my many moments.

addiction

2005-04-16T21:19:00.000-04:00

i have just spent the last five days consecutively with someone.
she literally picked me up from the airport after arriving in from paris, did not leave my side until friday, then came back to stay with me last night. tonight, much to both of our frustration, we are unable to see eachother.

i tell myself that i am stocking up in order to get my fill for when im in finals, more importantly when i begin studying for finals this week...but im afraid im just adding to my addiction.

like, instead of slowly weening myself off of her, im inhaling as much as i can in anticipation of not seeing her.
i dont think this is a good theory.

i dont think it is simply because it is the typical lesbo set up...
you meet, you soon realize that you want to spend all of your time together, and then you do...spend ALL of your time together.

this is where we loose the individuality that we eventually crave after being stuck in a relationship for too long. its not that you've been in a relationship, its that you gave up too much of yourself, too much of your independence.

so anywyas, im trying really hard to not give up too much of that in this situaiton.
problem is, im really bad at controlling my addictions. and i feel that right now, im generally addicted.
it is in all areas of my life...the weed, the drink, the smoke, the girl, the late nights, and most importantly, the loss of respect for my time.

i feel like im on a perpetual vacation where i can do whatever i want, whenever i want, with whomever i want.

i guess my only consultation is that i am having a fucking fantastic time right now and find myself to be increasingly happy. i wake up excited to see where the day will take me, anxious for the many adventures that seem to find my way.

i havent even begun to describe paris or amsterdam or my time with my most favoritest person in the whole world...

i'll do that soon enough, just know that amsterdam was rushed but unforgettable. paris was the shit. the shopping, the people, the laughing, the memories...

i have to recognize that i have so many beautiful memories in my life that i will always have a bank from which to withdraw smiles. i've had a pretty good run thus far and the future is looking brighter than ever.

spring

2005-04-14T10:19:00.000-04:00

something about the springtime that makes common sound so good on the radio.
something about the sunshine that brings the excitement out my mind.

windows open, smooth beats flowiin

something about the springtime that gets people out, gets people smilin, gets people to where its like we all just moved to this city and thoughts of enduring the winter together have vanished.

and the mornings are earlier, days longer, nights hotter.
and your concentration is diluted by the sun.

so all you want to do is inhale.

amsterdam

2005-04-10T17:28:00.000-04:00

so here it is...im actually in paris right now.
BUT
N8 and i just came back from amsterdam...not much to say, just check the pics...

damn

2005-04-06T12:23:00.000-04:00

i was fucking drunk last night.

so im slowly recovering vague memories of eating half of a chicken parm at like 2
smoking a lot of cigarettes
and just when i thought i was in the clear...

i remembered my blog.

whatever, i'll leave it on here because it came out of my head for a reason.

but i think i know the reason.
i've been spending a lot of time with someone lately
and being with her is stirring up some feelings, probably because i havent consistently "hung out" with anyone as serious as this since my ex girlfriend.

dont get me wrong, i've been "hanging out" with a significant amount of people...just not as frequently as i am doing now.

i mean, i see this girl like every other day.
long nights, great days, all that shit

so i guess i am just recalling what it feels like to start feeling for someone...get it?

but stop calling her my girlfriend, silvia.

and i dont know why

2005-04-06T02:14:00.000-04:00

thing is
i have no idea why you've been on my mind so much lately...
cuz i cant seem to get you out

and i woke up this morning with you on the tip of my tongue

but really

i thought i was over you.
and i cant describe the feelings i've been having lately

i have to wonder if you've been feeling them too.

but i honestly doubt it...simply because i believe you've found a way to cloud your true feelings
and if your true feelings lie where you sleep at night
then im afraid i must continue on with my path.

but i cant help but blame it on the weather...and the scents i put on in the spring.
cuz you were there for all of that.

why are you in my head.
why do you cause such frustration
such confusion
such speculation

are you really happy?
i must know.
are you truly where you want to be?

because i cant help but feel the need
feel the urge
feel the passion

inside me
for you

and it kills me
it destroys my sense of being.

to think that im still so bullshit over you
after all that you have done
after all that i have grown.

and the bright future ahead of me
seems to be clouded with sleepless nights remembering you in my arms

i must ask...

are you truly happy?

do you feel the same as i do?

sometimes i wish you would call...just to hear your voice on the line...
just to pretend that you are mine.

but i guess in this fantasy world you are mine

and you will always be.

in my heart, in my thoughts, indents still left on the left side of the bed.

sometimes i wish you would come back to me...and i wonder if i would actually...

take you back

Shana for Pope

2005-04-04T11:44:00.000-04:00

Shana For Pope

caught up

2005-04-03T22:22:00.000-04:00

whether its
the lifestyle
the drinking
the ass
the sleepless nights
the addictive substances in everything i ingest

or, maybe just the laughing and the memories

whatever it is,
im lovin it.

but i think the best part about it,
is that i am still managing to get my shit done.

in between trips to miami
trips to paris
huge parties
and law school,

ive decided that this is the good life.
i seem to be getting almost everything that i want
i seem to be smiling almost all the time
i seem to be growing with the passing of time

but i must not get caught up in some of theses things
one of these things has got me cravin more
time for this thing has taken over

so this thing, i must avoid you,
as much as i want you
i realize just how you
creep in my mind
with that ass
with that smile

damn. its good.

friends

2005-03-31T10:47:00.000-05:00

these are the days my friend
so there are those nights you might wish to forget, preceeded by nights you might never forget.
the ups the downs
the smiles the frowns
all these times spent with friends, lovers, strangers
it doesnt take much to recognize what makes you tick, to see who really matters to you, to look at those pictures which take us back places we sometimes disregard.
and thank you for the laughter, my true dear friends...

the red bra

2005-03-13T15:29:00.000-05:00

so i've noticed lately,
well,
ever since i've acquired my relatively new red bra,
that the craziest things happen when i wear it.

i honestly cannot tell you how many comments i've received in the midst of removing clothing regarding my special new red bra.
people seemed shocked that i own such a thing.
as if it is meant to be worn by victoria secret models and super femme girls with maybe not such big breasts...well not as big as mine anyway.

but the strangest thing is,
it almost seems inevitable that something crazy will happen to me when i wear it.
so its almost as if i've begun to depend on it...though there are times when i simply put it on because it matches my underwear or because im feelin saucy with no expected outcome.
but certainly there are times when i get particularly dressed up and subtly anticipate an eventful evening.

its kind of like when you shave in anticipation of getting some ass...or something like that.
when you know you'll be out with someone in particular but aren't sure if you'll hook up...but, just in case, you shave so you're prepared.
well, i think the bra works the same way for me. its like a magic bra.
the magic bra that brings me ass.

...pick one up at your local victoria's secret...

wow

2005-03-12T14:07:00.000-05:00

im really really
i mean really
busy.
cant wait for miami
cant wait for paris
cant wait for summer abroad
cant wait to get out...

did i mention that im busy?

Yale Law School

2005-03-07T23:48:00.000-05:00

So i went to the same sex marriage symposium at yale law school this past weekend.
so very political of me,
but it was actually really cool.
the campus was amazing and most of the speakers were really provoking.
i went with school and we attended panel discussions and ate and relaxed and talked.
it was nice to leave new york and submerge myself in stimulating conversation...away from the partying and the bullshit that runs my daily.
so i am back now with a new inspiration, and i am eager to learn, and well, to get through mid-terms.

ALSO
i finally got my bro to hook up one of his beats with GOD-DES and its fucking great. i cant wait till you all hear it on the radio...

(shameless plug)
check out what you can

www.god-des.com

o and the catalyst movement is coming soon too...

i dont

2005-02-28T18:58:00.000-05:00

have time or patience for people who need to clear their consciences.
return to fucking sender

restraint

2005-02-27T19:52:00.000-05:00

so i am in the midst of quite the shameful activity tho most of you might not think so....its just usually not my thing.

i am watching the red carpet show for the academy awards.

i know i know...but i got sucked in when SELMA HAYEK strutted her sexy ass across the screen...damn.
i couldnt help but drool, then comes Kate Winslet, another obsession, followed by cate blanchet, and to top it off maggie gyllenhaal...wow.
so i've been entertained these last few moments, but i must turn this garbage off...even oprah looked good...maybe i've had too much wine.

fucking hollywood

dont hate the straight

2005-02-26T13:14:00.000-05:00

so recently i've been put in a strange place.
i have been having these interesting encounters with transmen. and i cant quite figure it out.
these encounters have caused me to question my own sexual identity.
and i sometimes wonder, those nights that i contemplate men in general, the percentage of straight in me.

then on the complete flip side, there is the fact that i always seem to fall for the straight girl.
i mean, after the last straight girl in my life i thought i'd be done...
pain in the ass when you're with a straight girl for several months then she gets engaged to a man, because she was straight the whole time.
well, maybe im a masochist, but i think im doing it again.
i cant get enough of this straight girl, like not enough.
and it kills me every time i look at her, cuz i realize the reality of it all, that i am not supposed to be with straight girls because, well, because they are straight.
no matter how much they try to convince you that they really want to be with women...its a lie.

its fun to date a girl, to kiss a girl, especially in front of your boyfriend if you're in to that sort of thing.
but the thing is, the thing that these straight girls who "like" women dont get...

is that we, us, queers, gays, homos, fags, dykes, trannies...
we live this shit, and we face the world each day with our dykie hair and our butch walk and everything short of a giant sign that reads LESBO.

but i think the best part about my existance is that i am completely free from so many restraints in society. i am already regarded a particular way and with that i am given freedom to do as i choose.

so today my stupid ass chooses to be infatuated with yet another straight girl.
but OMIGOD she's fucking HOT.

spanish

2005-02-22T17:31:00.000-05:00

and now i have way more reggaeton than i know what to do with...
it must be those silly spanish boys who think that
since i love spanish women
i love spanish boys too
maybe.

tho i definitely have a preference in men and its not spanish...
and my preference in women has shifted a bit...

i'll settle for SANE.

is that too much to ask?

damn lesbians and their silly soap operas

2005-02-21T11:31:00.000-05:00

why o why do we have to be represented by such silliness?
i can only remember the days spend in awe of the lesbians,
the nights at bars glancing around the room at the wonders of these women...
and now look at the way they are portrayed.

but, as i so promptly put it last night...
at least there are women having sex on tv.

at least that.

and i love that i think i can have a whole bunch of people over...but in reality there just isnt that much room.
but the food was delicious, and i've come to realize that i only cook middle eastern/mediterranean food.
but i guess thats all i have learned.
so the wine, eggplant/roasted red peppers, israeli tomato salad, avocado, hummus/babaganoush, and fresh mozzerella/tomato salad were delicious, shared with delicious company...

o the L-word premiere, how it brings us queers together...

*i cant fucking wait to go to paris en avril...

what happens

2005-02-20T15:36:00.000-05:00

what happens when someone disappears from friendster?
are they gone forever, have they been wiped away by some unseen hand never to return.
is it one less string that has been detached, leaving you with nothing but a handful of broken cords, memories connected to nothing.
are the days meant to be brighter now that friendster is no longer a reminder?
or was it all just a joke.
the whole thing, from the beginning.

and the nights spent crying, the days spent lying
all these some fabricated act conceived to fill time and space
and put me in my place
as i wait
for the realness
the senseless acceptance of truth.

and then there are the fillers,
those that come and go
those that help you spend your nights, and keep you busy on the phone,
when its time to be alone, they are set free and you can see what you need to be.

o but then there remain some whom you find on the tip of your tongue as you wake from dreaming.
those whom you have to expend effort to dilute their images in your mind.
and they text message you, but you do not reply
they might have thought of you once or twice,
but if they knew of the moments that they surprisedly spring upon your conscious,
how startling, how often, how irritating.

because it is from all of this that i wish to be clear.
to get up in the morning and complete those tasks which await me, to disregard those persons who evade me.

its cold in new york again, responsibilities have lessened, alone time has increased...something i wished for, now i cant seem to get out of bed to do work...the effortless moments are so appealing...

one year later, valentine

2005-02-14T23:03:00.000-05:00

"and i want you to know that i love you today...and for all of my tomorrows."
congratulations.

bind

2005-02-14T13:58:00.000-05:00

if you want it
baby come and get it
dont you ever even say that you regret it

you worked really hard, thank you.

and for what.
for what purpose, for what pleasure, for what end with all that means, and what does it all mean?

from what can we glean
hope, perserverence, prospect

and now i feel empty, worn, stolen,

and i am beginning to feel disappointment in those around me
in some type of a comparison to my efforts to my sweat to my exhaust.
and it does not compare
i cannot find
i am starting to mind

and i feel a bind,
that i am in
a grind,
i cannot win.

they once walked here

2005-02-12T17:55:00.000-05:00

there is so much to be taken for granted in our everyday lives.
there is so little room for appreciation of what come before.

and of all places, it is this city which cries out with memories and growths and traditions.
we pass them on the street with our heads down and our ipods on.
we carelessly traverse the paths unknowlingly shared with our histories
exist in apartments that once housed many, that were built in an age we cannot fathom.
we complain about space and quality and work and opportunity.
what little we know!
what wealth we have. what possibilities.
all this, an evolution and yet all we can think is revolution
all we desire is to create a newness
to disregard our pasts

didnt you know this is a story and we are but many faces that are party to the protagonist
and these lives we lead have a purpose
and we are blessed with what we have and yet so unappreciative.

remember, and learn
for it is what has come before you that will define what you will become.

goodbye

2005-02-05T21:07:00.000-05:00

so i said goodbye to you tonight.
and with it
i said goodbye to the pain
to the heartache
to the questions that keep me up at night and give me strange dreams
to the reminder of who you were to me of what you've done to me
to the memories that flash in my mind as if to tease me to remind me of what used to be
to the wonders and anticipations that clouded my sense of reality
to the lingering smell of your hair of your skin
to the thought that we may someday again begin
to the feeling of your hand in mine
to the sound of your voice on the line
to the pictures that once adorned my walls
to the loving names you were once called

and here i sit quite alone with myself
and here i sense the subtle tone in myself
the tone it speaks to me
it reassures me and puts me at ease
the tone which soothes me as a mother's nursery rhyme
the tone which has been there the entire time

i wish to be free from you
so i said goodbye
i wish to be clear of you
so i must try

cutting you off is healthy, they say
will make me soulfully wealthy, one day

all the unspoken thoughts
all the moments lost
wasted days
hurried ways

passion pushing illogical melancholical re-runs and take-two's and make you remember me and take you away from me
but now you are not for me
nor are you supposed to be
for it is mine, you see
this time, that you have taken
these freedoms i have forsaken

and so, with one last cry
as the song that once soundtracked our passion,
i wilfully and consciously
must finally say

goodbye.

whats your favorite ebtg song?

2005-02-04T17:59:00.000-05:00

and these things go on and on

but the thing is.

that there is work to be done, and times to be had, and futures to be dreamt, and this to be now.

so let it be
now.

the whole album is good.
but a lot of them remind me of you.
but now a lot reminds me of me.
and of these things i've delved into. and these realms i've entered into.

these are my testimonial declarations of motivation and concentration and anticipation and realization.

there are days like this and that, there are songs like this you forgot exist.
and times.

understand

2005-02-02T03:15:00.000-05:00

here's a somber moment:

so occaisionally i'll become overwhelmed with a thought, and it honestly captures my whole being.
like i've been transported to a memory
or a future.
but im gone.
and it really gets me, emotionally, physically, mentally.
i explore thoughts and ineterests that i maybe never took the time to rememer.
and to remember
do you remember the most unmemorable moments
but for some reason, they become memorable.
i remember the parking lot of the JCC where i used to go to school before i moved to los gatos.
i was always a trouble maker and a bit of a tomboy i might add
so i would play in the tanbark playground,
on the swings, in the little suspended house supported by redwood poles.
on the monkey bars,
upside down.

anyways, i would play football too
sometimes
and sometimes
being, like 5 or 6,
the ball would get thrown into the parking lot to the left of us.

so i went to get it,
and it was hot
like northern california spring time
hot

and as i was getting the ball from between some early 80's oldsmobiles and cheverolet's,
one of them started.
and i was startled.

but i was 5,
or 6

thats my story.

Live from VA

2005-01-29T13:52:00.000-05:00

and i was really curious to see if i was going to feel weird.
but i dont.
so now i am really curious to know why i dont feel weird.
like this situation is natural.
like i am meant to have a relationship with some people
thing is
i wonder what kind of relationship i am supposed to have with other people.
but its no problem
wont keep me up nights
but just might
subtly sooth my mind
and remind
that it is ok, this is ok
and life will continue to spin out of control
just keep hold of the reigns.

Right now, i love you

2005-01-27T00:25:00.000-05:00

Right now, i love you
Originally uploaded by shanasty.

on the occaision

2005-01-26T23:49:00.000-05:00

there used to be this man.
this man when i would walk to work in the spring time...
he worked across the street from where i live and i would pass him often.
i wouldnt see him everyday, but often enough to where we developed a recognition of one another.

so this man,
as he was doing whatever he did outdoors at 8 am on the springtime weekdays,
would say good morning in such a polite manner,
would smile,
and just as i passed would whisper under his breath,
"beautiful".

and he did this more than once.
he may have done it three or four times to the point that he knew i heard him and he was communicating with me in a strange diluted way.

so at first i thought it sweet, odd, but sweet...then it got to the point where i began to appreciate his words, his smile, his respect.
he was gentle
and seemed kind.

thing is...you would have never expected him to be.
he was a big guy, shaved head, maybe some facial hair,
he would wear black Sepultura hoodies and maybe rock a piercing or two.

someone i would have hung out with when i was in high school, someone who grew up trying to be dave mustane or kirk hammet or dimebag daryl. someone i might have gotten high with, gotten drunk with, started a band with, smoked cigarettes behind the church with.
so it was comforting, in its own unique way.

anyways, i miss that man in the wintertime,
and all the time
that i see this time
as it passes
and flashes
memories become the reality
there is no time to consider the present
because in the event
that presence is misconstrued
or removed
it becomes apparent
there is no room
for moments
that lack
truth.

---

--

pro-crast-in-ate

2005-01-26T15:48:00.000-05:00

so im here with my friend brenna b
say hi brenna
hi
so we're listening to ani...dilate, the song, not the album.

"in a grey boring square law school room, we're creating so much joy!"
thanks brenna b.

and they post "i saw you last night at snapshot" things on craigslist while i complain about not doing the work i am supposed to be doing.

i really love babies and have always wanted to be a parent.
im mo.
what lesbo are you?

no american beauty references in the craigslist post.
and brenna b wants to stalk bitch. i like bitch.

so the film last night was pimp but i have to admit i was disappointed that i didnt get to see one face. especially since we had discussed the film and anticipated it but o well...off to another country and off to another direction...memories lost time passed and now i am FUCKING PROCRASTINATING writing my paper. sorry jen (my personal educational ass-kisser).

we're creating joy.

what a funny day...and i feel so completely unaffected by the results of last night. like usually i get a bit giddy or like an afterglow of something...but i dont really feel anything. im being elusive.
but it has to do with dick.

maybe i'll write my paper now...

queer people

2005-01-26T04:28:00.000-05:00

so i might recall a time when i heard this phrase and had no idea what it implied, or what it even meant.
but i find lately my life to consist of everything queer.
and its strange
because i never imagined my life to be so gay.
i mean really, i had never really lived a super gay lifestyle....i guess till now. i guess once i became a lesbian super star dj at the hottest tuesday night club in new york city!!!!!!! haha ya right.

i think i always viewd the gay lifestyle from some outside window where the fog from my breath would cloud the glass...
but now i sometimes forget that there might be an actual thing going on and all im doing is my daily.

so i wonder if the memories that lay in my head truly existed as some fantastical place that i could always imagine but never quite reach, or
if the memories represent some anticipation, some deception of where your life will evolve.

um. are lesbians supposed to have condomns?

the tangled twisted web

2005-01-19T20:14:00.000-05:00

i'd like to state for the record that i grew up a little today.
today i saw beautiful things
and experienced growth in those whom i love.
it can be said that there are days in which the stars are unaligned, the planets are off their tilt.
but today shone with a subtle simplicity.
a perfection lurking under the commonalities that impede our vision of truth.
today i witnessed a genuine person looking herself in the mirror, wiping away the make-up, embracing her wrinkles and honesty.
i witnessed the inevitable fall from grace that, though a long time coming, was incredibly more graceful than any other movement in the piece that is our connection.
and my respect blossomed.

today.
today i heard the sounds of maturity on the other end of a telephone.
i sensed no sheaths nor curtains
no avoidance of confrontation nor disgrace with current placement.
i was communicated a realization, an exhale.
an ownership of relativity.
i felt a root reach down into the core of a connection between two people as it attempted to flower a newness.
the resistance to progress has sat heavily on the sidelines and called interference at every opportunity.
the struggle has been arduous yet i recognize the reward to be precise.
there will be no celebration once this path is reconciled
there will be little communication between the connected parties
but there will be an internal satisfaction
an internal aging that will distance yet attempt a bridge of completion.

and these things i saw today.
these lines i draw today.
all within the same breath as my own accomplishments submit a smile to the soul in which they reside.

it could be the stars, it could be the snow.
it could be that there are so many stories unraveling in each of the many widows we pass as we traverse the paths we choose.
for it is these paths which create our very own stories and enable our innermost growth.
for we shall all grow up some day.

shit is good

2005-01-17T19:34:00.000-05:00

shit is good when your business is on a roll
shit is good when you're feeling good about your relationships
shit is good when you feel prepared for law school
shit is good when you are about to divulge your inner thoughts to a room full of people in less than a week.

right now,
i love you.

well.
right now,
i love you too.

not to be repititious but really now.
shit is good so right now,
i love you.

i love you me. me i love me, you.

heard it? well understand it to be that things seem to be rolling down the right hill at this moment.
im finding that groove i have been looking for. and im finding what im good at. and doing it.

so right now,
i love me.

wonder

2005-01-13T04:10:00.000-05:00

so i've had the same alarm clock since the fall of 2000. im a bit concerned because i have never changed the battery. its one of those travel alarm clocks with the watch battery in it...
i guess lately i've come to depend on my alarm clock a bit more than my internal clock...
maybe my internal clock is a bit confused and i seek the insurance and security that my travel alarm clock provides me.

i dont think ive adjusted to the routine that new york brings.
maybe im still used to the cali flow of things.

nevertheless things are a brewin and i think im a growin
i feel the tempurature change in the air and the breaths come harder and sharper in my chest.
so maybe this is the time
that time that i've been looking for
the time ive spent searching for
that moment that realization

and whatever.
cuz that word solves so much.

but really i feel the new coming and even tho its late and i've got shit to do tomorrow
i must spend this moment regarding and appreciating what is blossoming

so this is a post for those who think that i've chilled on my writing
this is a message for those who like to read this shit

and by the way, if you do...
check the comments action and send your love through the computer.
share your thoughts to the masses...or at least my masses
the masses in my head.

much love and new parties...
thank you 'caution' wednesday nights...keepin the jams comin

Schmata's

2005-01-11T15:35:00.000-05:00

Hey hey hey the schmata's are in town
hey hey hey it is time to get down

well, i must honestly admit that no matter what i am devoted to my family. I always have been. Thing is, there are varying degrees of my commitment. There are those whom i have always been close to. there are those that i've developed relationships with over the years. and there are still those whom i have yet to truly connect with. and, if you know anything about me, creating a connection with a person is extremely important.

my cousins have been coming to new york for a couple of years now for their business. i've met them out and spent some time, but it never seems to suffice to materialize the bridge that will cross our differences and distances.
i can see the roots beginning to grow and the truths beginning to show.

but after all that...
i think it comes down to the simple fact that we share something. we share this innate necessity to have a fucking good time.
they do it.
i do it.
so it is only expected that when we get together we would share in good times.

ok. that being said. i had a fucking good time last night.
even though i was tired, and at the beginning of the night not really in the mood to be in the club...

but shit changes when you're talking to a fucking gorgeous model surrounded by her 30 gorgeous model friends. I must say that there are fucking beautiful women in this town...

anyways, life is really good when you go home after having a great time with your cuz and a fuckin BANGIN ASS girl's number in your phone...

verge

2005-01-10T01:50:00.000-05:00

on the verge of another direction
like a bend in the road i recognize and anticipate with the positioning of my hands on the steering wheel.

and i cant sleep.
i cant decide whether to blame it on california time
or staying up with you until 5.30 am on thursday night.

and last night our conversation was insightful.

i find myself at this place
in this space
of calm and collect

and i am excited for what is next. anxious for tomorrow
its funny because i had been struggling these recent months.
i had been blindly trying to find something, and though i have not quite discovered what it is i am searching for, i recognize that the lights have been turned on and i can see where i am looking, what i am touching, no longer fumbling
but i am learning to sit with my dilemas
and avoid future problemas
by taking each moment with appreciation.
there is no need for anticipation.

in our many conversations and late nights spent sharing thoughts and touch
i have learned from you.
for it is not that after one such night i can expect that it will happen again so soon, or even at all
but...
i've rid the anxiety.
it has caused me to appreciate the times that i am able to spend with you.
it has made our interactions invaluable.

and i can recognize the growth as i look back on when i would become frustrated with our interactions, concerned with future reactions.
and i feel the age you have brought to me,
but not like that.
the age you have allowed me to observe within me.

i might have been concerned that i was giving you too much credit...in the past. but that was just it, the past. i honestly feel and will convey to you that, along with my internal journey, my connections with you have enabled me to see.
and to see clearer than i had been.

so enough flattering for one evening, i will end this by simply stating thank you.
thank you for being the intricate person that has aroused my intrigue.

and i appreciate your mantra this week and might adopt it myself for tomorrow as i face the struggles of a new direction.

how do we know

2005-01-06T19:19:00.000-05:00

what we want to do with our lives. is it supposed to be programmed into our heads? are we all born with a mission and it simply takes some of us longer to get the message that will self destruct?
there are those who are given the gift of passion and direction. there are those who do what they are told or fall into a routine and live out their lives with very little passion in what they do. and there are still those who have a passion, who desire a rewarding form of making a living, those who want to do what makes them happy but are not as fortunate as those who have been given a clear path to achievement.
do these lost souls wander the earth, odd job after odd job, shifting from doing what they are told to doing what makes them happy.
but there are so many things. like life would be better if there were three of the same person to go out and tackle the world.

and i honestly wonder when you know you've had a nervous breakdown. i mean, in my mind i would imagine it most like a seizure. foam bubbling at the mouth, loss of words and gravity. and then this sort of drugged peace, like some of your mind has been erased and the innocence is replaced

if anyone has any answers i would love to know. i would love the key to unlock my mysery. the answer to the test thats been keeping me up nights, the key to the map that i simply cannot seem to read.

winter afternoons in new york

2005-01-05T14:57:00.000-05:00

sometimes i think my life would be perfectly fitting for a sitcom or a reality tv show.
lately new york has lost its luster.
but just as i get back i get into some shit.
i had only been home for 14 hours or so and then comes snapshot...
good times indeed but i often wonder when they will end, like when will the party stop being fun, when will going out become a chore.
and my body is tired, i can feel the age in my bones and my skin pulling away from the meat. my joints crack, my back hurts, i feel the weight of my body. like im witnessing a special on a science channel and im the subject.

so much has changed facing in the windows of my apartment yet so little has changed when looking out of them. i see the same people, the same trees, sometimes bare and sometimes green, the same routines at the same times. the same metal fire escape that never changes its appearance.
but one glance inside these windows at monthly intervals detailing the recent living that has occurred within its view, you would see what would resemble those old-time flicker-film-animation-books. the shifts in residencies, the guests over for meetings or visits, the different people who have slept in this bed with me.
do you think about that? not that there has been an astronomical amount of "sleepover-buddies" in this bed, but it is interesting to think about the various characters that enter your life for whatever period of time, the significance that each of these people represents, and why do some mean more than others, is it timing? is it immediate recognition of differences or similarities in personalities?

is it time to get ready for the day at 3.15pm?

2b bored.

2004-12-27T17:24:00.000-05:00

this is what it is like.

wow.
i have to leave, but im having a hard time doing that. how is it possible that new york could be stressing me out from here... i have been in the sunshine, in flip flops, chillin.
and im stressed about nyc. just a little bit.

im still here for a minute but i have no idea what to do for new years. im actually on the phone right now with jet blue to see if i can come back home for new years...not sure what to do.

and im doing business.
im actually not feeling incredibly self-indulgent today so this post is silly and distracted.

happy holidays and all that shit. i spent christmas in the desert. it was very fucking weird.

san pedro

2004-12-26T22:30:00.000-05:00

so there is this super strange subculture in los angeles...
if you know anyone from pedro you'll have to understand what im saying.
they love their little town/fishing village whatever it is...
anyways thats where i am right now. enjoying my new baby cousin who i just met and drinking wine with his mommy...
holidays are interesting, but family is good.

vacation

2004-12-22T16:49:00.000-05:00

when you can lay in bed and watch a good movie on your computer as it sits in your lap.
there are anxious moments that create anticipation of when exactly you are leaving.
and where are you going
but your head hurts because you havent eaten today, havent had enough water.
so i think it is coming. enough of the stalling

and now its time to go to LA

2004-12-18T23:51:00.000-05:00

1027041714.jpeg
Originally uploaded by shanasty.

Dont Hesitate The Jump

2004-12-15T15:14:00.000-05:00

"I would have never imagined that you, out of all of us, would be scared to jump. We've all jumped at least once. Just stop thinking about it, close your eyes, and step off the cliff."

and each day we grow older, i miss you
i wish you.

and i could always be what we are at our souls
i've never felt so...
you are my legend
the key to my map that i've refurbished and rearranged,
capitalism v. communism, facism, imperialism, judaism, realism, anti-this-ism

and fuck the growth because you will always be in me.
no matter how much bigger your shoe size, your free-throw, your batting stance.
please dont make me cry
make me empty
make me question you
make me regret you
doubt us

imagine a story i've made up
lost somewhere in my head jumbled with
days spent in trees
making bands
making movies
always creating with you

and i dont know exactly what it is about you
but its been there, always
like a gentle gravity pulling our truths together
sewing our lives together
bringing our eyes together
with your green beautiful depth
like a confession, but fulfilling and relative.

and this phase that i thought was a phase may not be that
in fact,
it might just be a dive into what feeds you
and im sorry for doubting you
you are the one i want by my side for the rest of my life
regardless of my state

you are my most beautiful connection.

titties

2004-12-15T03:27:00.000-05:00

i think one of my favorite things about myself is that i am more than willing to get up on a stage, take off my shirt, and let a gay boy eat a taco from in between my tits.
i love it.
because, since i have pierced my nipples, i feel like the world deserves to see my breasts...like they've been missing out.
and when they see them...lemme tell ya
its a happy day for all

not to be all self righteous about my boobs, but come on
they are definitely nice to look at...i think if they werent mine i would look at them

but honestly
i must say that because of my "endowment" i've become more of an ass girl...
just look at my ex girlfriend...

but ya...these days its the ass that turns my head on the street. and there are some great moments walking to the train behind some women...is that like dirty old man talk
or just nasty talk

cuz thats me. apparently.
cuz i take my shirt off in front of a club full of people

what are you gonna do?

its now a new mood..a shirted mood.

im going home soon. real soon for like 3 weeks.
crazy

im annoyed because i am going to miss some people, but i may not want to miss "them"
right.
and thats that.

so back to my naked body, huh?

good night, its 3.34am.
get some sleep you have a final on thursday...
does anyone know what torts is?

is it today still?

2004-12-12T22:20:00.000-05:00

so i meant to write about the craziness that was the sound lounge holiday party that i was inadvertantly invited to. i was an honorary guest/ex employee, but it took me a couple of hours to feel comfortable that i wasnt crashing the party. you need not worry tho folks, because once i became comfortable, well...you can imagine.
the party was actually really nice because i was able to kick it with kids i truly miss and havent seen in a long time. being there made me miss my job and my ex co-workers, and question once again why i was in law school. i have since calmed my frustrations with my decision for being in school because i feel confident that i am giving it all i can give...so to speak.
anyways...i got pretty pretty shitty, i think i was making up for the three or four days that i havent been drinking because of finals.
its just so much fun to get wasted with these people. nuff said.
so i remember staying late and walking out of there barely able to see, getting into a cab, but it was one of those van cabs and i just felt funny in the back, like i was in high school and trying to hide from my mom how wasted i was.
but i got home safely and have returned to my boring no-drinking-must-study life.

thank you sound lounge...you are the best and i miss you all.

on another note...this guy in harlem said i was a man, or at least looked like one.
cant these people see the effort ive put into changing that fucking perception? im wearing a fucking pink shirt in my friendster pic people. PINK!

whatever.
i had a sensitive day on saturday. but im better now, and about to fail my civil procedure final.
kisses.

dirty jeans

2004-12-12T10:27:00.000-05:00

ok kids...
so i have discovered something that many new yorkers have already discovered but i need to share it with you...
yesterday, in my frustration of studying, hang-over, and too-many-plans-for-a-day-i-needed-to-study, i opted to have my laundry picked up by a cleaning service. i had been hesitant about this for many months now. often i am faced with the time constraints that stunt my opportunity to do my laundry. i had received a coupon from this place and for some reason had decided to hang on to it. i had put it on my refridgerator until i felt compelled to use it. yesterday morning, i felt compelled to use it. so i called them and about 30 min later a man showed up to pick up my clothes and bath rugs. so i went on with my day and soon forgot about the oddity of the situation. i stopped thinking about whether my clothes would get ruined, how strange it would be to have someone folding my underwear, and if i would be comfortable with the way that they folded my clothes in general. i had even harbored conspiracy theories on how this was not a laundry service at all and in fact they set up this faux business and stole people's clothes. Soon the day was over and no worries had crossed my mind. i woke this morning, reached for the phone, and in 15 minutes my clothes appeared. they are clean, soft, folded nicely, and all wrapped up in plastic bags like they had been shrink-wrapped to travel across the ocean. it is adorable.
so i think the point of this post is to let you all know that it is OK to have your laundry picked up and done when you are too busy to do it. you have the nasty stamp of approval on that one.

werd.

mask

2004-12-10T09:38:00.000-05:00

and i feel like i dont belong
like you dont want me there

like we are all at a masquerade ball and im the only one not wearing a mask
and i can feel all of your eyes in me, on me, over me

and i feel disappointing
like i hurt you, left you cold when i may not have realized that i had an extra blanket

but i didnt mean to
and i dont want to

and i try to look at the evolution of it
the birth of it

i might remember where it began
when we ended what we had

and i got caught up
i got wrapped up and lost

and when i needed a map i didnt call you
i couldnt find you but i wasnt looking that way

it saddens me but i see the doubt in your eyes
like im that someone most despise

but i never thought i could become that
and i dont think i am that

in my representation as my only defense
i must say to you in this context
you've got it all wrong
had me misread for so long

i aplogize for the disappointment
but im disappointed that you could be so easily turned

maybe we can have a rennaissance because this is what i do
i stear clear and get whats good
and i know you do too
with that heart of yours

we used to, we used to , we used to
i could say that all day
but its true
we used to.

exhaust

2004-12-07T01:33:00.000-05:00

now i know what it feels like to be one of the smart kids in school
not that im smart, but ive been studying all day like i used to imagine them doing.

i dont think i have EVER done this much school work. ever.
i was just never really into school like the others.
i was into music, and making an ass of myself in the classroom
but not the work

so here i am, not making an ass of myself
and into the schoolwork

wow.
i am fucking exhausted.

the lights

2004-12-05T18:02:00.000-05:00

temperamental
like the weather in new york in december.
the bare tree limbs permitting vague glimpses of the stars.
they are always there, she said.
but i never see them
and i never see you.
i cant even rely on you coming home for the holidays.
not a relative, not a friend.
a distant, disconnected part of me.
so far away yet within everything that i do.
and sometimes i yearn for you to no avail
sometimes i look for you but always fail.
you creep in at uncomfortable times
you are uncomfortable,
like a mirror after you've been crying for hours.
you remind, you are the ghost of christmas past
cuz im a jew.
and after seeing you
i feel the need to renew all that i do
and how i see things
what i want to be type things
but the revelation it brings
draws me back in time
back in my mind, off my track, down that path
the one they said not to take, the one they warned you of
and i've been listening to them
and not to you.
i am sorry.
sorry for not seeing you, meeting with you, seeking you, being with you
and i hurt.
i hurt for the years we've missed, the moments passed, the sculpting progressed.
development disabled in your absence.
but some how ive managed to go on.
unaware what it would be like with you in me, aware that you are me.
somehow its been easier to divide us, pretend we are not us.
and i want you back.
i feel the pull, the draw, the resistance is minimal
so why not jump now
why not let you back.
come while the doors are open
before the sphinx's open their eyes, you must run across
have faith in your heart
now is the time that we can come together.
i've been unknowingly waiting.

stuck in the library

2004-12-05T13:15:00.000-05:00

on a beautiful day
and all i want to do is go outside and play. and write.
write write write all about it.
much more interesting than this.
and my mother gives up, its too confusing
she'd ask the teacher to do it for her.
i dont blame her.

i woke this morning with a gigantic stupid grin on my face.
and an overwhelming urge to make music.

see, the inspiration lives inside of me,
it pushes and pulls thoughts, manipulations, concentrations
out of my head and onto a powerbook, or sometimes paper.
sometimes it gets stuck, and its like this strange thing i saw last night...
two people tightly embracing, and a third pushing his way through any possible opening,
birthing himself and struggling,
all the while they are wearing no skin, with their insides out. side.

so sometimes the thoughts get stuck and they have to struggle, push pull persist
and get out.
sometimes a pen sometimes a keyboard sometimes a cell phone with voice memo.

and "new forms" by roni size with bahamadia will always, always, always remind me of
HER.
the her i could never have, but somehow did on one distinctly randomn night.
the night that the stars lined up in such a way as to permit something that had been prohibited,
she prohibited, i prohibited, we were inhibited
but the memories flash with such a familiarity that im slow to recognize the years that have passed.
the changes that have crashed in my mind,

im afraid im quelling the passion within me in order to fit into a box, a mold that i didnt like in the first place.
but now im stuck in it, like jello.
unless, i eat through the horse hooves and find my way out of the box.

enough, i must start slurping jello...i think i'll get a stomach ache.

dating

2004-12-05T04:06:00.000-05:00

a strange concept that comes with way too much baggage.
baggage, where they store your shit on a train.
a train going where,
who knows.
a train of thought lost in communication between what is and what should be, or what they told you it should be.
and now i wonder, a date?
ya i think so
dating?
certainly not a judgment call i can feel comfortable leaping to.
and nor can my participant.
leaping to the "dating" game would really hurt my chances with chuck woolery.
i mean really, why discuss such trivial issues.
enjoy these moments, the ones you can.
and who am i really
am i so incredibly distant that i am recognizable as those things that i once thought i was, but as of now i am not so sure.

and i miss london.
the thames river.
the people, the mood of the streets,
as though they are so old, been through so much,
so much change, such revision, decision, recision.
and now here i am.

and what do i want to do? she forced me to ask myself.
well shit.
if i go with my heart im afraid i'll forever view myself as a failure in other aspects.
if i go with my logic im afraid i'll be forever depressed upon what could have been if i would have gone with my heart.

but i guess a satisfied, humbled person waking every morning to the glory of creativity and the permission to move in exactly the way driven by the soul is happier both internally and eternally than

a lonely, unloved, desolate, wealthy, successful person who has nothing in the world save some wothless wordly posessions and some distant relatives.

and these are the questions.

what is your life, what leads you? what drives you to create, to meet people, to venture out into new york city with the crazy adventures following you into every creepy crevice and every straight-bar bathroom.

and what will happen when you come home. when there is no one there but you.
and yourself.
as if you hadnt seen eachother in years and couldnt quite think of the appropriate thing to say.
the silence in uncomfortable, almost unbearable

but you continue to think,
silence.
and i wonder what you are thinking...

vino

2004-12-04T18:57:00.000-05:00

so im debating having another glass of wine before my "date".
i've had one, but having another would entail opening up another bottle. i dont know if im prepared to do that since im pretty sure we'll open one at dinner.
but then i dont want to be too inebriated.
dates are funny arent they?
there are moments of discomfort, anxiety, getting to know one another...bla bla bla
but after a few dates everything is cool, and it becomes an entirely different situation.
like you are just hanging out with someone you really like, and you get to kiss...always a good thing.
so i dont know if dates are funny per se, but interesting definitely.
i like them tho.
it took me several years to go on my first "date"
only recently actually.
my past experiences involved going out and meeting people,
going out again, then maybe going home with the same people.
but never dates.
and never girlfriends.
thats another thing that i realized today.
i was having a discussion today with my friend about our ex-girlfriends and she was shocked to hear that i only have two.
technically i guess you could consider my first girlfriend just that, but we were "together" for one month and i only hold on to that because she was the first girl i was with...i figure she deserves a bit more than to be thrown into the pile with all the other girls who werent my girlfriend...
and believe me there are quite a few, and thats why my friend was so shocked.
maybe she thought i was some big ho, because she thinks ive been with all these women, and maybe i've been with some, just not as many as most might think.
anyways, of the women i have been with, only two of them have actually been my girlfriends...coincidentally, i lived with both of them.
im still trying to figure out how much the second one counted, but the first one was certainly a lesbian psuedo-marraige...four year type shit.
thank god thats over.
actually thank god they are both over.
dates are great these days.
especially dates with this one...
she's a great date.
every date we've had has been fulfilling
enough about me.
wait a minute, why are you reading this then...
i've got to get ready for my date.